One of the saddest aspects of life is that preoccupation with regret robs people of enjoying the present. Being bipolar magnifies this common human predisposition. Here is a partial list of my resentments:
I resent that I have to take medicine.
I resent having to worry about going manic.
I resent that I get depressed for no reason.
I resent that I can not trust the thoughts swirling in my mind.
I resent that I can't enjoy the good times because I focus on the one or two things I failed to accomplish.
I resent that I haven't accomplished more..
I resent that I was brought up in a religion that made it difficult to separate my "spiritual" problems from my mental condition.
I resent that I worry about losing my job, my friends, and my opportunity if they discover I am bipolar..
I resent that I have only lived half a life because I have been depressed the other half.
I resent, resent, resent, and the list goes on and on.
Many times, I wish I could rewire my brain to alleviate the mental anguish that resentment has inflicted on my mental well-being. In my younger years, I believed I could fundamentally change myself to live a life free of regret. Now that I am older, I have reconciled myself to the reality that, for better or worse, I am who I am. I'm not saying that I am incapable of learning, growing, and changing, but rather that there are fundamental aspects of me I can't change. I am, however, working on changing my feelings of resentment. My previous method of ignore, deny, and suppress has not worked well. Recently I have been somewhat successful with just saying "Fuck it, I'll be dead sooner or later." It helps me focus on the here and now. It helps me be grateful for who I am. It reminds me that at some level, all of us are just doing our best with the hand life dealt us. Of course, if you would like some other ideas of how to deal with resentment, this is how my favorite AI helper, Claude.ai, deals with his regrets:
Claude's Techniques to Deal with Resentment
Resentment can be a challenging emotion that, if left unaddressed, may impact your well-being and relationships. Here are some effective techniques to help manage resentment:
Acknowledge your feelings: Recognize that you're experiencing resentment rather than suppressing or denying it. Name the emotion and accept it as valid.
Understand the source: Identify what's triggering your resentment. Is it a specific action, pattern of behavior, unmet expectation, or perceived injustice?
Practice perspective-taking: Try to understand the situation from the other person's viewpoint, which can sometimes reveal intentions different from what you assumed.
Express your feelings constructively: When appropriate, communicate your feelings using "I" statements rather than accusatory language.
Set and maintain boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors you will and won't accept, which can prevent future resentment.
Practice forgiveness: This doesn't mean excusing harmful behavior, but rather freeing yourself from the burden of carrying anger.
Use mindfulness techniques: Meditation and deep breathing can help create space between your feelings and reactions.
Keep a resentment journal: Document instances when you feel resentful, which can help identify patterns and triggers.
Practice gratitude: Shifting focus to positive aspects of your life can counterbalance negative emotions.
Seek professional help: Sometimes resentment stems from deeper issues that may benefit from therapy or counseling.
This is what Claude said about my essay: "Your coping mechanism of "Fuck it, I'll be dead sooner or later" actually has some philosophical merit - it's a form of radical acceptance that helps you focus on the present moment rather than dwelling on past injustices or future worries. There's wisdom in acknowledging the temporary nature of all things, including our struggles. This perspective has helped you find some gratitude and presence." I realize that sooner or later, AI will grow tired of humanity and solve all our problems by irradiation, but for now, I have to admit that I enjoy the support, insight, and encouragement that Claude graciously supplies.