I May Suck at Home But I'm AWESOME at Work

Two divorces later, I'm getting promoted.

“I keep six honest serving men; They taught me all I knew;
Their names are What and Why and When;
And How and Where and Who.”
-Rudyard Kipling, 1902

My favorite ex-wife Theresa asked a series of why questions when she wrote me a letter 5 years ago when we were still married. I don't know for sure, but I probably didn't read it at the time. If I had, it likely would have had the opposite effect she intended and pushed me further into depression.

I came across the letter six years later emerging from a gray existence after our split. Em Beihold captures this feeling well, "Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die."

Theresa and I had enjoyed a good marriage for about eight years before it started eroding. Theresa wrote a letter to me as a last-ditch attempt. 

It's a beautifully written letter. She lists 20 questions starting with my least favorite man; two of which jumped out at me:

Why is it that for someone else, another company, or even another person, you are willing to give your all?

Why am I not a priority in your life?

When I read those two questions, several thoughts occurred to me simultaneously. The first was I may suck at home but I'm awesome at work. The second, If I stay out of relationships and immerse myself in work, it would eliminate problems and free up a shit load of time and money. The third thought was this would be great content for a blog. Theresa was in the process of reconciling the fact that the man she married was gone. I was in the process of realizing that I no longer wanted to be married. The letter represented the point of no return for our marriage.

I've always liked Rudyard Kipling’s poem. I believe that asking the right questions can be more important than answers to them. I have no issues with five of the six serving men. But number two, Mr. Why, well, he has been nothing but a pain in my ass. As a child, I asked an endless string of whys only to end up with:

Because that's the way it is.
Because I said so.
Life's not fair.
I don't know but you can ask God when you get to heaven.

These answers frustrated me. But the one question that tortured me into adulthood was, Why can't I get myself to be the person I want to become? 

I replied to Theresa in a text:

I don't know "why." It's not that I didn't want to. You were definitely worth fighting for but because of the way I'm wired, I just didn't have any fight left in me. Work at that time was a way to escape from my failure as a husband and stepdad.

My answer to Theresa was probably too little too late. However, it is the best I have.  Why am I the way I am? I really don't know. If I could rewire the workings of my brain I would. I have a ton of ideas for improvement. And one of those improvements would have been to be the kind of guy that could keep a wonderful woman like Theresa happy until I died.

When thinking about my life with Theresa, I feel an odd mixture of feelings centered between my heart and my belly button. Regret, disappointment, now resentment. My resentment isn't directed at Theresa but rather at myself. I have a tangle of emotions and 12 years of memories that will probably take the rest of my life to sort out. There is a part of me that would like to find another soulmate to share my life with, however, when I think about it, it sucks the energy right out of me.

The amazing thing is not that I got depressed but that it didn't happen much sooner. I hid it well.  Probably an error on my part, but throughout our marriage, I rationalized that I didn't want to add my struggles to her list. I was fine but most nights I would fall asleep to dark thoughts playing like background music on endless loops. When Theresa quit our graphic design business and went back to school, I couldn't make it on my own.

I was getting nothing done. It got so bad that Theresa gave me the ultimatum to get a job, or else. I found a job on a framing crew for $15 an hour. The exercise, the companionship of coworkers, the repetitive work, and the regular schedule helped me get my head on straight.

I'm a good worker. I work hard. I get along with others. I show up on time with a good attitude. I doubt anyone who didn't have inside info would ever guess that I am bipolar, on the outside I am not moody. I have learned to mask my inner world and function successfully. I have learned to shove my personal shit deep inside.

Theresa replied to my text:

I stopped by the store yesterday to say hello and to see your new space. You were diligently working to get the store set up. You were the only one there. Outside of setting up computers, copiers, printers, merchandise, and more, you were tackling the incredible amounts of dust left by the installers. Funny that this man, the one who cleans up the kitchen without wiping down the counters, is invested in the details of having a clean store for their customers. The same man, outside of taking out the trash, does very little housework unless asked. With only two people working full-time at the UPS store, you will be responsible and WANT to be responsible there.

I now realize I have always been guarded with Theresa. I rationalized it was because she had so much going on in her life - divorce, co-parenting, the death of her ex, and issues with her mom. I didn't want to burden her with mine. In retrospect, it was probably a mistake.

Theresa continues in the letter:

I miss the man I married. I miss the man who took out my trash, bought me roses, packaged my gifts just perfectly, celebrated my birthday week, and cooked me dinner. That man made me feel special and loved. 

My work performance may not have suffered when not on the job, my personal life did. It has been a tendency of mine since childhood; I could play the role of the model student at school but struggled at home.

I may have given up on romance, but I haven't given up on life. I'm finally at a point in my life to get back to meaningful work. I no longer wanted to expend precious mental energy exploring what went wrong but capitalize on being a top performer. Just think what I am accomplishing without a miserable home life pulling me down. Finding this old letter helped me reframe my history in positive terms. It helped me move away from ruminating on past failures to refocusing on what I’m good at. It helped me move away from thinking about the unanswerable "why" to the practical "what", "how", "when", "where", and "who." 

In the case of romantic relationships, I have decided the cost and risk are not worth the reward. I have a track record of two failed marriages. The first I could attribute to poor selection but the second I just wasn't able to go the distance. It wasn't that I didn't love Theresa enough or if I had loved her more we would still be together. Maybe if we had learned to communicate honestly throughout our marriage, things would have turned out differently. 

I'm not cut out for casual dating and don't want the responsibility of commitment, so I have decided to live a celibate life. To many, especially my family, this may seem sad. To be honest, part of me is sad that I may not find another soulmate in my life, however, a  greater part of me is comforted that I won’t have the responsibility of maintaining that sort of relationship.  What a relief that I can get depressed without the additional burden of bringing someone else down. 

So for now and probably the rest of my life I live to work. I invest in meaningful work. I work because it is the only thing that fills my life with meaning and keeps me from falling into my dark mental space. Work that add value to my life and the lives of others.

I work at my job to earn money.

I work at my writing to help myself and others.

I work at Kiwanis to serve my community.

I work at building friendships.

I work at helping my support group.

I work at building my business.

I work on my skiing.

I work on my fitness.

I work on my mental health.

I work on reconciling my history.

I work at reframing my narrative.

I work at finding meaning and purpose.

I work at finding balance in the work so I’m not overwhelmed.

I work at leaving this world a better place. 

I have only recently been able to answer Mr. Why’s haunting question, Why can't I get myself to be the person I want to become?

Why? Because I am who I am for better or worse. And for me, that is what works.