I went hypomanic the other day. At the time I would have said I was just past six on the mood pyramid but in retrospect, I was probably a touch past seven. The mood pyramid is a chart that helps you measure your internal state. At seven, I was flirting with the danger zone but still had enough sense not to do anything crazy enough to get committed to jail.
As you can see on the mood pyramid below, seven is just above the danger zone and eight is the beginning of full-blown mania. The sweet spot is five at the top of the pyramid which has the technical term "euthymia" which I just learned after downloading this illustration for this post. I've experienced every stage of the mood pyramid but usually, I am somewhere from three to six. Seven happens but not that regularly since I have more of a tendency to drop into depression. This is an inside look into one of my recent hypomanic episodes.
Saturday, January 13th, 2024 because as usual. When in town as opposed to on location for my job, I had spent the morning at the Reno Hive Coworking space writing. When the creative juices stopped flowing around 1 p.m., I decided to drop by the Gear Hut to see if they had any used gear I might "need." They did! I walked away with a pair of new hiking boots for $52, to eventually replace the nearly new pair I was wearing, a really nice waterproof down ski jacket for $125, just in case I needed to go skiing in sub-zero temperatures, and a small mountain bike for $200 to loan to a future friend. Let me get this straight, I didn't go shopping because I was hypomanic, but the other way around. My mood gradually increased with each purchase. Nice gear and pleasant employees always boost my mood.
The smart move at this point would have been to take time out to let my mind settle down but instead, I went to REI. I had been considering upgrading my ski boots since my old second-hand ones were too big. I intended to just look. However, talking about boots led to trying on boots, which led to buying a pair. Then I discovered that the new boots were not compatible with the bindings on my old skis. I really didn't want to put new bindings on old skis so it was only "logical" to buy new skis as well. After it was all said and done, I had dropped $1700. I left the store feeling even better.
Other than spending serious money on some nice gear, there were no negative consequences from this short lived episode, other than a lingering feeling of embarrassment. My mood returned to a healthy five later that evening.
So why the embarrassment? I love my new gear. I will use my new gear. I don't have any buyer's regret. I can easily afford my new gear. However, in spite of all that, I am embarrassed. And what is perplexing to me is I don’t understand why I feel embarrassed. No harm was done. Yes, I was extra talkative, amiable, and in the mood to buy gear, but I wasn't acting crazy. I tell myself that I have no reason to be embarrassed yet still I am. Maybe it's just that I am easily embarrassed. Or it could be that I totally skipped one of my self-imposed rules for money management - asking myself before swiping my card, is this purchase consistent with my priorities? - or it could be that hypomania often leads to a full-blown manic episode and I didn't have the discipline to slow down, so I feel embarrassed I didn’t intervene. Or maybe it is just my brain's ability to make me feel bad about good things.
So while I don't really know why I feel the way I feel, I am confident I won’t be embarrassed enjoying my new ski gear long after the current source of my embarrassment has been replaced by yet another. And if you really want to know why I was embarrassed then probably the best answer is that it is the way my brain is wired. My feelings don't make sense to me a lot of the time but I guess, being bipolar that’s the way it is.
Thanks for reading.
-Jim
Muy buen articulo Jim